Angie
sits across from me in our favourite cafe, sobbing. She's just broken
up with Mr Fabulous – this one lasted six weeks. She is
heart-broken.
So
many questions: “Why? Why? How?” and worse still, “What's wrong
with me?”
Angie's
latest Mr Fabulous (Mr F) was almost identical to all the other Mr
F's she's ever been out with, entangled with, or been attracted to.
They are all the same.
You
know how this story goes. You've been there too, or you know someone
else who has.
And
every time it ends, she is devasted and JUST KNOWS it's something to
do with her.
Well,
it isn't, and yet, it is.
The
reason why these relationships end is because they are not right for
her. It's a bad match. Clear to an observer, but devastingly unclear
to Angie.
How
is it her then?
Well,
I'm not saying that she is deeply flawed. What I am saying is that
she is making the same choice. She is looking in the same places.
“Why
are all men such bastards?” she will lament in, hmm, about another
week or so from now.
Are
they? I don't think they are.
The
men she chooses are, and she chooses the same types of people over
and over again. It doesn't work now, it didn't back then. But she
just keeps choosing them.
If
you search and look under every rock, you will find the type of guy
that dwells under rocks. My cynical friends might call them “snakes.”
If you search in muddy swamps, no doubt you will find the rhinos or
pigs. Just like searching in pubs leads you to... well, you know what
I mean.
If
this is what you want, go for it.
But
if what you want is something different, then you need to look
somewhere else. The guys that bring a ray of sunshine into the room
aren't going to be in the back corner of a dark gloomy cave. They
will be up high, shining brightly, so try looking up instead.
Hold
the horses, really, before we look out there, let's look inside.
Usually,
there is a lot to heal. I always recommend that between
relationships, people need at least a year to heal. Not just to
rediscover who you were (women are incredibly good at losing
themselves in relationships) but to discover who you are.
Sounds pretty much the same,
but it's not.
I'm talking some serious
soul-searching, deep-digging, demon-facing time.
When we repeatedly make the
same choices, especially ones that end badly, we are not “getting”
the lessons from our experiences.
Why not? Maybe because we are
not ready to learn or change.
How do we get these lessons?
People are different, so different things work for different people.
One
technique I really like is to make lists. Lists mean I can clear my
head. Lists mean I can see
what I am thinking/feeling... Lists mean I can make comparisons.
Try making a list (or a table)
of all the ex's. Write down the things you liked about them and the
things you didn't. Be honest. This is just for you.
Find the common elements –
positive and negative.
Try to see the pattern,
because there is one.
See if you can make the link
back to you – why are you always choosing the same thing? This can
be a painful process, and sometimes it is worth coming back to in a
few days time. Sometimes it is best to do it with the help of a
professional (eg a clinical psychologist).
Then, make a new list. This
list ideally should be pages long. Make a list of all the attributes
you would like in a partner. Not just any partner, your ideal
partner.
Honestly reflect on this list.
Is there any reason that you are not pursuing this? Anything that is
holding you back here will mean that Mr Perfect cannot be a part of
your life. These reasons will need to be sorted out properly.
Sometimes the reasons may be
“I'm not ready for a 'real' relationship,”or “I don't deserve
this,” or “I'm not good enough”...
Well, sister (or brother), let
me tell you here and now – YOU DESERVE THE VERY BEST.
We all do.
We also “owe” the world
something – we need to be the very best person that we can be.
Constantly strive to do your
very best and be your best. Remember that this does not mean you have
to be perfect at all times – gee, we're human, that's not possible.
But, as long as we are doing our best, we cannot possibly regret and
lament that we should have done/been better.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am a Chinese herbal medicine
practitioner and acupuncturist.
I
work with people who are ready
to change
– change their health, change their lives, make some change in some
way.
In my role, I assist my
clients in treading their brighter path.
For more information, please
visit my website www.brighterpaths.com.au
