Ponderings...

Samatha Stephens: An Icon From the Past or a Modern Role Model?

27 November 2011

Remember Samantha Stephens, the good witch wife of Darrin Stephens in the 1960's television series, “Bewitched”? I want to take you on a quick journey to examine this character... a bit of a magic carpet ride, if you will?

Having recently rewatched episodes up until the birth of her daughter Tabitha, I have come to realise that there was so much more to the show than the light entertainment I enjoyed as a child.

Samantha was a cliché wife of the time on many levels – she was a housewife, she aimed to please her husband, she accepted whatever he said, she was neat and pretty, and did all the good-housewife things that women of the time were supposed to.

But there were many other layers – not just her being a witch - but other “big issue” things that I think makes her still relevant for people (females and males) of today.

Darrin did things on occasion that she did not like. Often this was making a disparaging comment about a family member or about witches in general. Samantha showed her disapproval clearly, and in a mature way. Sometimes she would get up and eat in another room, other times she would “twitch” him downstairs on the couch.

Regardless, she put some distance between them as soon as she felt hurt or offended, and then she would calmly and rationally talk about it.

To me, at times, it looked like she was being petulant and going off in a “huff.” But on reflection, she was making her point with a maturity that would be nice if more people used.

I can't imagine her “saying something in the heat of the moment” or having to excuse herself with “I didn't mean that, I said it when I was angry.”

Too many people use this as an excuse. My father always told me that “many a true word is spoken in jest.” I also think that often the truth is blurted out in anger.

I also condone the distance idea. If you are too upset or hurt or angry to have a conversation about the problem, the you are better off waiting. “Time out” works for children, and it works for adults too. It is okay to wait til you are calmer. It is advisable to wait til you can talk logically – responding rather than reacting to a situation.

Samantha coped very well with Darrin's thoughtless behaviours – springing extra guests on her for a dinner party (she had magic, true), last-minute cancelling meals with her to have lunch with clients or other women.

She was concerned at times – but chose classy ways to check up on him and reassure herself. Mostly, she was fine and coped well. Usually she called him up and sorted things then and there.

In one episode, she tells her mother, Endora (isn't she fabulous!) that their marriage works because they don't get dramatic and emotional about things. She promptly bursts into tears when she gets him on the phone, a tastefully comic moment.

The modern message, I think, is to trust your partner. I have always said, “If you can't trust them, you shouldn't be with them” - and I mean trust on every level. Trust them to be faithful, trust them to be honest and respectful in all their dealings with you... Trust on every level.

Samantha also stood up for herself and what she believed in. Often this was depicted through her opposition to the portrayal of witches.

She was eloquent and reasoned, appealing to logic and common sense, rather that being emotional, over the top, or nagging.

She had her own belief system and she created change through explaining or showing things to people. She was principled and intelligent. Still relevant today.

Darrin made her promise time and time again to not use witchcraft. Initially, she'd promise, and she would try, but often she would end up using it anyway. 

What this says to me, in no uncertain terms, is that it is impossible to maintain not-being-true-to-yourself. That is, you can only keep it up for so long before your true self arises. (Hence the idea of really getting to know someone before you get involved.)

This means that you cannot change who you are inherently, although you can change behaviours. But it also means that you can't change other people.

Often, the advice “just be yourself” is handed out to young people. This advice is strange, as a young person often has no idea who they are, they are searching for their place.

Young people go through a stage of searching for how they are meant to be, what they are meant to be, who they are meant to be... and really, the answer is “themselves.” What this means is being authentic. Knowing who you are inside, what matters and what is important to you – and being true to this.

Some people are lucky enough to work it out quickly, most people get some idea in their twenties or even thirties. For some, when they haven't found their authentic self, things tend to fall apart and hence the “mid-life crises” occurs somewhere in their forties or fifties.

Mid-life doesn't have to be fraught with a crises... but you do need to work on “your stuff” so that you can cruise through it.

This is a blog, not an essay, so I won't keep on... But I think there is enough evidence to demonstrate that Samantha isn't a relic of the past, but a role model for the modern day as well. She is intelligent, articulate, principled, authentic and behaves with dignity and decorum. She also has fun!

All attributes, I think you will agree, are ones that we can all embrace.

PS Elizabeth Montgomery, who played this character, was a crusader for women’s and gay rights. From what I have read of her as a person, she was pretty amazing!

What My Mum Got Right

16 November 2011

Too often I hear people blaming all that is wrong in their lives on their parents.

I guess it's a big part of our culture, and I think it is based in Freud's thinking. I am not talking James Freud, although he was one clever bunny. But I am talking Sigmund.

Sigmund related much of our adult behaviours and problems to what happened in childhood. Maybe we had problems toilet-training, so that makes us “anally retentive,” or trouble with being weaned from the breast – and, no, fellas, that does not excuse any breast obsessions!

Parents are human. Parents became parents without training, without manuals, without rule books. They had to work it out as they went. None are perfect. The absolute majority did what they thought was best at the time.

I want to dedicated this blog to my mother who is now in her eighties.

Mum brought  us up on her own (at least for the first six years of my life). She somehow managed to make ends meet on the tiny pension she got, with both of us below school-age. How she managed this, I don't think I will ever know, this is not what I want to share with you today.

What I want to share are some of her ingenious child-rearing practices.

1. Calendar Days (this only works if there are two children)
   Calendar Days is a system by which children get equal turns at things. My brother chose to be even, and I chose odd (funny that!). Every second day, you got to choose which shows to watch on television, which records (aka CDs) we would listen to, and even which bedtime story was to be shared. Any choice that needed to be made was made  by the one who's “day it was.”
   Genius!!
   
   
2. The Fine System
   We got given a small amount of “pocket money” - I think it was $1 a week. Pocket Money day was the same day each week. There were no advances. It was how it was.
   Linked in with this, was a Fine System. All of our unacceptable behaviour was given a monetary value, and it would come off our pocket money.
   If following the rules was really hard one week, you may not end up with much, or sometimes none at all.
   We quickly learned that there were consequences for our actions. Consequences that we didn't like.
   At a later stage, a Reward System was also introduced. This meant that is we did above and beyond our usual jobs we would get a set reward.

3. The Ejector Seat Button
   This one was scary!
   My brother and I liked to bicker in the car – well, to be honest, I think we bickered anywhere and everywhere. Poor Mum had to somehow drive AND cope with us. Hence the invention of the Ejector Seat Button.
   Even whilst writing this I say it with awe and fear.
   In the midst us carrying on, Mum would calmly state, “I am reaching for the Ejector Seat Button,” as she leaned slightly towards the gear stick.
   Both of us had fertile imaginations, the vision of us flying out through the roof of the car and up into the air was vivid!
   It worked every single time! (Heck, it might even still work now!)
   
   
4. The Bedtime Story
   Often at the end of the day, Mum was exhausted. She was too tired to read. But she also highly valued the bedtime story (I think no child should ever go to sleep without a bedtime story, but I digress).
   So, she would lay back on one of our beds and tell us one.
   Vivid imaginations certainly ran in the family – and I am very grateful that they do!
   
   
5. Belief in Us
   Mum has been amazing.
   She has been such a great mother, and also such a great friend.
   This final thing I am about to share with you is one of the most incredible things that my mother has ever done. She does it day in, day out. She does not falter in it. She does not even realise the power of what she has done. She only knows about it because I thank her again and again.
   She believes in us.
   She is honest. She will tell us what she really thinks. She expresses her concerns. She may even advise against. But, whatever it is that we choose to do, she supports us no matter what.
   She honestly, and completely, believes in us.
   I think that this is the most valuable gift a parent can give.
   It means that we believe in ourselves, too.

Thank you, Mum! You are a massive inspiration to me.

I hope that these five ideas of yours will be a massive inspiration to others, too!